I know deep down in the core of my being that I won’t live to be very old, and I have known that for a very long time. I just don’t know how long I will last, but one day I will find out.

eye

took bena because I thought I could read harry potter and go to sleep, thought I was feeling a bit better an hour ago

I was wrong

like I am so often

i cant stop crying and wishing to not exist, if only you could kill yourself by wishing that would make it so much easier . anything else sounds like a hassle i dont wanna go through that . and it couldnt be anything involving insides, which is the only way to go ?? but i cant think about it ugh fuck ima twitch

FUCK . I dont want to lay here and feel awful.

but most ‘happy’ times, are they even real. because most dont feel as real as the crushing sadness that I constantly feel . being apathetic is the default, miserable is the next common. what is happiness . is it real . can i actually feel it without tricking my mind . i dont know. im such an actor. a trickster. and nobody believes it

because nobody knows me

i dont even known me, i have done such lying to myself, what parts are real

i just want to sleep just sleep i cant do this i want to fall asleep and have it be over, i want to sleep forever and ever please please please

dont tell me what to do

dont give me suggestions

dont read my blog if you feel like doing those two things bye

drugs

i want something better

than bena

or anything else I have rn

i want to go back , when my perceptions were all fucked up and hallucinations mixed in with reality , when my head was filled with chemicals, such a sweet chemical bliss

take me back

laying in my bed

looking up at the ceiling

tears running down the side

of my face onto my pillow

like many others before me

SINGULAR THEY

IS A FUCKING THING

YOU FUCKERS USE IT EVERY GODDAMN DAY

I AM SO TIRED OF PEOPLE SAYING IT IS JUST USED FOR PLURALS OR IT IS GRAMMATICALLY INCORRECT BECAUSE GUESS WHAT

IT FUCKING ISN’T

I AM SO DONE WITH THIS SHIT

EVEN PEOPLE BE DEFENDING LIKE “EVEN THOUGH ITS PLURAL AND GRAMMATICALLY INCORRECT YOU SHOULD STILL RESPECT PEOPLE”

LIKE YES YOU SHOULD RESPECT SOMEONES PRONOUNS BUT ALSO SINGULAR THEY HAS BEEN USED FOREVER AND IS STILL USED AND IS COMPLETELY AND 100% GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT

PLEASE GET OUT OF MY FACE

insides gross me out

insides of bodies

i think that is why i cant even think about ways to kill myself

it freaks me out, i dont want to think about insides im gonna twitch

i dont wanna feel i dont wanna cry i dont wanna do anything i dont wanna live

it amazes me

that I can just go from not wanting to exist to reblogging a harry potter au

except I never really left that state, I just got a bit distracted

and I have to wake up early to do a stupid chemistry thing that I want to say fuck it to, but I already didn’t do the last one because I didn’t know it was a thing I had to do b/c he never fucking SAYS anything about this shit, it is all on the syllabus like bitch u think i read that

i fucking hate chemistry

i fucking hate everything

tomorrow is going to be fucking awful I have to go to three classes and give a tour fuck

why did I use so many sick days

I SO DONT WANT TO GO TOMORROW FUCK

agenderprincex:

queermarauders:

ok but hp blogger au

  • Harry reblogs mostly amusing textposts and stuff he thinks is cool and as he gets older it like fizzles into social justice and long personal posts under readmores that get deleted after like 5 minutes
  • Hermione’s blog is like this weird mix of feminism/social justice and a few pictures of cats and snippets of things that have to do with history and lit
  • Ron mostly freaks out over athletes and reblogs humor posts and has like the worst theme ever 
  • Cho Chang blogs about boybands and Little Mix and teen dramas and is hardcore abt defending girls’ right to like things geared towards them

ok but

  • Lavender Brown’s is mostly like calming pictures of the sky and flowers and probably has a pastel theme and she also has one of those horoscope sideblogs 
  • Neville has a plant blog that is mostly pictures of plants with freaking out in the tags along with some text posts
  • Luna runs the Quibbler official blog but her personal is usually science and animal stuff along with the occasional cat gif

(via fleurdelisee)

it would be cool

if someone would kill me

because I dont feel like doing it myself

except i dont want to be like tortured or anything so pls make it quick

pale-fire:

Feminist Graffiti from the 1970s [x]

(via un-gendered)

#feminism  

people think

im so nice

and its like

no ?? no ?? ur wrong

jump inside my head, inside my thoughts and you will see

im so awful im so selfish im so tired of people everyones fucked

life

stop it

ur doin the thing

I wish I could take bena and go to sleep but at this rate would I even fall asleep? or would I just lay in my bed crying?

the answer is the latter. dammit.

maybe if I take bena and read harry potter I will pretend that is where I am and then I might feel better

I wish I had weed

hahahaha

i dont care

uhhhhhhh

my eyeballs hurt, i did not ask for this

I am thinking about taking bena and reading

like I want to do things, like maybe sketch or work on my knuffel or play zelda or read charlie bone (when I am on bena I only read harry potter). but I am in such a weird mood

its like I am really annoyed? but I don’t know why? and it isnt at anybody really. maybe it is at the world. I just feel really like. its not strong enough to say i am pissed off but it is this unsettling mood ? that I don’t want to be having. But I don’t feel like dealing with anyone or anything I just want to peace out

except I wish I could really just leave just get the fuck out

everything is a joke, just this huge joke because nothing matters.

its like. haha I fucked up on my instrumental exam. but who cares. i get frustrated at people. but who cares. i cry about fictional characters in fictional universes. i want to do so many more drugs than I do. im tired of living. but does that even matter?

NO

I dont want to cry I dont want to be upset I am so sick of this feeling I am so sick of everything.. life. is. a. joke. and its not funny its fucking disgusting and im so so TIRED of doing this STUPID SHIT

ITS ALL SO FUCKING FAKE

BUT WHAT EVEN IS REAL FUCK WHAT DOES THAT MEAN

Its like a fucking trap, this society is bullshit. I dont want to live without a bathroom. or being able to choose the food I eat. or a warm place to go. But I have to have a fucking job and get stuck in this place and pay taxes to a place I dont agree with and get shit on for being different and be fucking tired and pissed off that I have to have a job to support a society of bullshit, just so I have somewhere to go to the bathroom.

BUT EVEN REGARDLESS OF THAT

REGARDLESS OF THE SHITTY STATE OF SOCIETY

I didn’t even fucking know how awful the world was when I was younger, and I still knew there was no fucking point.

when can i end this, why am i still here

what am i waiting for