woke up at 5:45, cant go back to sleep
my daydreaams arent always happy, especially when im not in complete control, and i was crying and you were holding me
but then i remembered the day you left, and how overwhelmingly sad i was. so many feelings, so fucking intense. but everything that happened felt so important, so monumental. emotions were exploding.
and so then i was actually crying, but you are much too far away to actually hold me, though i wouldnt want to burden you with tears anyways.
i wish i didnt suck so much ugh sometimes i really wish my feelings would do what i wanted them to do. my daydreams, my wants never match my feelings, or at least what i think i want is never what i feel i want or something, its hard to explain. cant tell you how many times ive daydreamed of being with people for a long time, living with them, loving them, without actually being capable of wanting these things like how does that make sense? my whole life ive done this, dream of falling in love with people, especially people i was dating, and yet my feelings could never even get that close. i used to daydream about loving kyle and living with him, and yet my feelings couldnt even manage to continue for four months. i mean. WHY THE FUCK. dont my wants match up like how can you have different wants im so fucking confused, ive always been confused probably because i think too much. im just so annoyed at myself like how can my feelings be so fucking shallow how how can i have never felt so strongly for another person , and yet they do for me, and i have hurt them because im selfish and apathetic, i just want to fall in love with someone who doesnt love me back because thats what i deserve
i just want to go back to sleep fuck