what i mean when i say “i can’t do that” - the depression edition
- i am unable to do that
- i don’t have the energy to do that
- i cannot wrap my head around what you’re asking me to do
- there is too much in my head right now
- i can not do that
what people hear:
- i am unwilling to do that
- i am being stubborn for no reason
- i am being dramatic
- i am lazy
- i need you to repeat that only louder
- i need a push
- i don’t want to do that
saw this tip jar at my Dairy Queen today and lost it at tipiosa
Anonymous asked: all I can say as a detached person is that I hope you hang in there and I hope you're okay. I read your blog a lot. and that means I only know a fraction of what you project to us. but I root for you.
thank u friend
idk when u sent this but thank <3
I root for me soemtimes too
Our psychological state allows us to see only what we want/need/feel to see at a particular time. What five words do you see?
all really dark then we have peep
of cigarette smoke in the air
but not on my fingers . anywhere else it doesn’t bother me, but I don’t like when my fingers smell like it. I don’t even really mind if someone tastes like cigarette, but the smell on the fingers makes my stomach hurt.
I love people that smoke cigarettes and don’t judge me for smoking them. I don’t even smoke that much ? And it is my body? as long as I smoke far away from others and not inside, it isn’t hurting anyone else. People that look down on cigarette smokers peeve me.
It is one of the nicest, calmest things to smoke a cigarette with someone. I adore smoking with stephen and valeria, they are probably my two fav people to smoke with. And smoking with jon is nice too, when I feel like being around him. Which I strangely have recently.
Today after filmmaking I sat outside and smoked with him, and when I left I hugged him and he told me I look really cute today. I do. It’s nice to know someone noticed. Fred also liked my bowtie. (: I love dressing up for presentations. I should really dress nicer more often. ALSO I am wearing my binder so jon gets more points for thinking im cute xDD
feelings are so fucked up when I think about the past and I don’t know what to do, because once I start going back I keep going. It is like regression and its not good. but also, where would I be if I didn’t have my past . well idk
how the fuck do I go from crying to talking/ranting to ariel to giving a great tour in a matter of twenty minutes. what. The father said he could clearly tell that I love the school from the way I was talking and the tour I gave. Nobody can tell when I’ve been crying.
I don’t want to deal with life, I don’t want to deal with the past. and I don’t usually. and maybe thats why I can’t seem to reform my friendship with michelle or omar. because the way that our relationships worked was not so great. and its like nothing changes, and I don’t know why… I can’t get over how I perceived michelle’s feelings/thoughts toward me, and I am still always paranoid that she thinks all these things about me. and it i really hard not to believe those things. I don’t know why. And then with omar, I go back and forth just like I always did. I would want to talk to him about interesting things or something, but then he always pissed me off because he had this idea of me that wasnt true. and also mopey all the time. Idk, it is hard to explain.
and then I’ll think about zac, and ill miss him, but I know we are both pretty different now. I still read his personal sometimes, but its weird because I know it is not for me and I feel like I shouldn’t read it? but he said “I honestly don’t ever see me not being open with you, as long as you keep what you find to yourself”. So that was really nice, and also made me feel a lot better about a lot of things. idk sometimes I wonder how he feels about me ? like I hope there arent too many negative feelings towards me because I have so little towards him now. but its kinda weird, knowing that the relationship that was the most important to me, is not so for him. when I started dating kyle, zacry sent me a message about how it was weird to see me so excited about someone, since I really hadn’t been after we dated until then. but its not like that was a serious relationship. I mean he is seriously in love, and I can see it and it is really lovely and I am extremely happy for him and feel he really deserves it. but I also have a sort of sadness, not really but it is hard to explain ? idk the word to use. but it is just like aw. he was my best relationship and I am not his. but im not upset? ugh hard to explain i hate words
i rly have to go to class now
I HATE THIS. rereading my fucking posts, my thoughts and feelings, with a different mindset. Reading them and seeing a different intention that I didnt have when I wrote it, but somehow seems possible. so fucking annoying, im so annoying and stupid and awful, im so mean and I dont care, im so apathetic and its stupid, i talk about not wanting to exist but then why am i still here
because i hate insides i dont wanna think about it
but i was talking to ariel the other day about the caffeine i stole, and if I took a bunch it would kill me
but i cant because what if it gets better when i leave, what if its better ?
I had a vision at five something in the morning when I was trying to go to bed, and I saw myself years from now, being a lab assistant . eating salad or a peanut butter banana sandwhich every day, coming home and crying myself to sleep every night, every day the same, everything the same, I dont want to live in circles
everytime I go back and read things michelle has wrote about me, or look on her blog, I then look back at the things I write and how I feel and its like automatically I start to hate myself. And I don’t really blame michelle at all, somehow I took everything she ever said to/about me as negative, and somehow it always mattered more than anything anyone else ever said. Even if I took it the wrong way. And I am just sitting here like fuck, I am so annoying, my problems are so fuckin dum, look at these things that I say they are so fucking stupid I just want to leave, I don’t want to be me, I am so awful.
every fucking time
this happens, and its all my fault
reading my secret personal really makes me upset for a lot of reasons. First of all, I rarely post in there. There are 73 posts and I started it in July 2012. It mostly started so I could talk about girls ? Idk why they had to be secret. OH YEAH cause I wanted to talk about Leigh and she follows this tumblr lolz.
anyways, I just went back in time through a lot of feelings and relationships with people, not necessarily ‘official’ relationships, but u kno.
And there are like two people who I really hate to think about and read old stuff about them. Because they are both now dating people, although I fucked up so much with one that nothing will probably ever happen again. And it sucks, because a lot of feelings never really die. Especially when I liked both of these people for so long, and one was so close to me. And I rarely see him and when we do hang out I want to hold on to him longer, and I have to actively stop my feelings from blossoming again. The other I am fairly good at keeping my feelings far away, but sometimes it is really hard and I am like fuck fuck I can’t think about this person, I can’t want this person because they are dating my friend who I also have feelings for… haha xD I am a mess
and I read these things that omar and michelle said about me, mean things that were mostly true. I just disagree with when michelle said I like playing with people or something because I really don’t. whatever here it is
firstname.lastname@example.org: … you knew it would happen though
email@example.com: we even talked about it
firstname.lastname@example.org: you are responsible
email@example.com: you did that
firstname.lastname@example.org: you put yourself there
email@example.com: he wanted it
firstname.lastname@example.org: but you gave it to him
email@example.com: you will hurt people
firstname.lastname@example.org: you know you hurt people
email@example.com: you have hurt people and you don’t care
firstname.lastname@example.org: you don’t feel responsible
email@example.com: you’re just playing with everyone
firstname.lastname@example.org: how is that ffun XD
email@example.com: how is making out
firstname.lastname@example.org: with everyoen
So I mean I probably agree with all of that except “you’re just playing with everyone” because I am not ?? idk. I don’t think I have ever really felt that way. But making out with everyone is def fun, dunno how that is a question … and I guess I do and don’t feel responsible, it just depends. I mean I feel bad if I hurt people but it is also never entirely my fault. and what am I supposed to do when I hurt people ?? like idk ??
THE PAST IS SO ANNOYING
Words make me anxious because I am never able to fully articulate my thoughts, questions or the self-perpetuating misery that I feel.
You are a sick poison that tastes so fucking good, it’s irresistible.
I’m sorry that I’m both your umbrella and the rain.
you dont want to not have feelings, it sucks. Because then you always hurt other people . I would rather be hurt than hurt. But thats not how it works.
Just because something is difficult doesnt mean it is impossible or that it happens any less than something that is simple. Just because it is easier to care about people who do care about themselves, doesn’t mean I care more about them or something.
words are stupid
everything is miscommunication
would you need constant reassurance that you are on my mind? Like I thought that was an established thing ?? I am not going to make a post every time I want to kiss you or snuggle you or I am thinking about you. Of course that is a thing that is happening, but why would I talk about it on my tumblr all the time… ?